A Wife’s Guide To Surviving Football Season

My husband loves football. Maybe more than me. No, not as in, he loves football more than I do. More like, he may love football more than he loves me. And I’m starting to sense that our boys feel the same way.

So now that September is officially upon us, I’m getting ready for a whole new season.

We’ve been married for almost 14 years and by now I’ve learned a thing or two. So I’m passing along the little nuggets I’ve picked up along the way and lovingly refer to as A Wife’s Guide To Surviving Football Season.

1. Always Have The Ingredients For Lasagna On-Hand.

Or whatever his favorite comfort food is. Keep them as backup in case his team loses and be prepared to make it. I usually start preheating the oven in the 4th quarter if it’s not lookin’ good. In fact, I’d just keep ingredients for 2 lasagnas on-hand. At all times. Now, if his team wins, you can just give him a high-five and tell him he’s having cereal for dinner. He won’t care, he just got a win and all is well with the world.

2. Redbox Is Your Best Friend

I’ll be honest. I’ll watch the Superbowl. And even the championship games. But the regular season games bore me. Don’t even get me started on pre-season games. So I turn to Redbox and binge watch movies that he won’t watch with me. Right now, there are a lot of good ones. Age of Adaline, Far From The Madding Crowd, Cinderella, The Longest Ride… Take your pick. (The max amount of movies you can rent at one time is 5. Unless you use a different email address and different credit card. Then you can get 10. Don’t ask me how I know this.)

3. Take Notes From No Doubt – Don’t Speak

Remember that saying, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all?” I’ve fine-tuned it a bit: “If you’re not going to tell him you just won the Powerball Lottery, don’t say anything at all.” I used to try and pretend that I was just as upset as he was. Buuuuuuuuuut it turns out when you start fist-pounding the dinner table, it comes across more condescending than supportive. And that’s not what we’re really going for.

4. Jimmy Fallon Is Your Next Best Friend

Keep a few episodes on your DVR. Don’t delete them. If you’re running out of storage space, call Comcast and order more. This is imperative. Because after the game, if they lose, you’ll want to change the channel to something funny. Quirky and funny. Jimmy Fallon is my go-to. Ellen is my backup, in case the Jimmy episodes are re-runs. Now, here’s another trick from one wife to another. If you really want to be on your game, and I mean on it…you’ll fast forward through all the commercials at the beginning. So right when you push Play, Jimmy is doing his opening monologue.

5. “Olive Pope” The Kids – Handle It

Kid Duty becomes ALL you. Feed them dinner, run the bath, sign all their homework for the next day, make their school lunches, put them to bed. Just. Handle. It.

***IF THEY LOSE IN OVERTIME***

This is what I refer to as Operation Blue Hawk Down. DEFCON 2. And I’ve only had to use 1 time, in 2014. You know what I’m talking about. The Superbowl where we didn’t give it to Lynch.

Operation Blue Hawk Down consists of an overnight bag, already packed and in the car for you and the kids for at least 2 days. Snacks and bottled water. And Jimmy John’s on Speed Dial so you can have food delivered to your husband, who won’t be able to get out of bed for said 2 days. I’m praying that none of you ever have to use Blue Hawk Down.

But this guide will get you through should you need it. 🙂